Sebastian is prostrated on the ground, his head to his knees, his face in his hands, sobbing out loud, feeling completely lost and helpless but also fed up to the core of his very bones.
“I can’t take this any longer! I am sick of it! All of it! If only I could just disappear!”
It has been ages. Infinite ages it seems. Since Sebastian realised he had to find a way out of this struggle, this suffering, this fight going on inside that has no outcome, no end to it, no reprieve, his anxiety to be done with It has been growing and growing and edging towards the precipice of despair.. It’s not that his life is not what most people would call good. It is. In fact it is more than good. It is great by any common standards. There is apparently everything most people wish for: a house, a job, a car, enough money in the bank, friends, a more intimate relationship here and there, family connections… Everything.
And yet Sebastian feels there is something missing. Which he has by now figured out is himself! The only problem is he can’t grasp it. This him that is missing. And he can’t go on like this. Pretending it’s all fine when it’s a madhouse inside of him. A complete wreck.
So he has decided to stay at home for a few days and really be with this. Which is precisely why it is getting unbearable. Until he sees it.
Kneeling on the ground. In despair. He sees it! He has been angry at his Mind for always wanting to control everything when he has been ordering it to shut up. Angry at his body for it not being a Safe Space for him to trust. Angry at his Soul for not coming to save him from his turmoil. Angry at God for not being there for him when he needs Him. Angry at everyone else for not understanding and for making his life miserable in so many ways. Angry at life for being so senseless. Angry at death for being somehow a loss. Angry at himself for doing it all wrong and never seeming to be capable of ending this whole shitty mess he is in. Angry. Angry. Angry. Surely he can’t be worthy. He can’t be enough. Not with all of this going on inside of him! He is a miserable façade of a Human Being and he should be ashamed of the space he takes up, even of the air that he breathes.
He sees it! Himself feeling like a victim, helpless and incapable. Himself feeling he is being beaten up into a pulp with every judgemental thought that crosses his mind. Himself desperately needing to be saved. He sees it and realises this is how he has been creating his life force, the energy to stay alive. This has been his fuel. The anger. The depression. The self-doubt. The neediness. The unworthiness. The fight. The fear. All of it has been his way of getting the energy to survive. The attention, The acknowledgement. The pity. And he knows no other way. Though he senses there is another way. There has to be.
Sebastian lies down, his back flat on the ground. Feeling the exhaustion and realising it is up to him to make the choice to let this game go. And that’s when he realises he has not let it go before because it was serving him. He was perpetuating it for he knew nothing else. And in a strange sense he had come to love this game. It had become so seductive to discover more about it. Even after knowing there was really nothing new to add. But alas, each one has their own “enough” quota and Sebastian’s had apparently been reached.
It was a relief to realise all of this but there was also a sense of sadness. A kind of mourning for knowing that he could no longer keep one foot on each side, just in case. He truly had to let go of the old game so that peace could be made between all of these conflicting parts. Peace in the acceptance of all of it. Allowing. Finally allowing his Soul to come close. To come in. To hold him in absolute compassion.
It was not about choosing the right or the wrong way but rather choosing the way he wanted to go - either one had its own energy and outcomes. And he sure as hell was not about to choose staying where he was at. He had had enough! Yet still there could be no rejection of what was. What had been.
“Hmmm the games we play!” Sebastian thought to himself.
He closed his eyes and breathed. And stayed. And allowed. And embraced. And cried. And released. And allowed even more. And with each embrace, each letting go, he felt freer and lighter. His heart starting to open like a blooming rose gently unfolding its beauty out into the world.
Ha! Vulnerable he had not wanted to be, despite the fact that ironically he could not have been more vulnerable than he was when immersed in fear. The illusions one believes in! This opening up felt safer than he had ever felt before. Nowhere else to go. Nothing else to seek. It was all here and he was allowing. Allowing himself to stay. To love.
Text: T. C. Aeelah
Photo: Alexandro David
Sem comentários:
Enviar um comentário