The Other Side of Oneself

Sebastian is prostrated on the ground, his head to his knees, his face in his hands, sobbing out loud, feeling completely lost and helpless but also fed up to the core of his very bones.

“I can’t take this any longer! I am sick of it! All of it! If only I could just disappear!”

It has been ages. Infinite ages it seems. Since Sebastian realised he had to find a way out of this struggle, this suffering, this fight going on inside that has no outcome, no end to it, no reprieve, his anxiety to be done with It has been growing and growing and edging towards the precipice of despair.. It’s not that his life is not what most people would call good. It is. In fact it is more than good. It is great by any common standards. There is apparently everything most people wish for: a house, a job, a car, enough money in the bank, friends, a more intimate relationship here and there, family connections… Everything.

And yet Sebastian feels there is something missing. Which he has by now figured out is himself! The only problem is he can’t grasp it. This him that is missing. And he can’t go on like this. Pretending it’s all fine when it’s a madhouse inside of him. A complete wreck. 

So he has decided to stay at home for a few days and really be with this. Which is precisely why it is getting unbearable. Until he sees it.

Kneeling on the ground. In despair. He sees it! He has been angry at his Mind for always wanting to control everything when he has been ordering it to shut up. Angry at his body for it not being a Safe Space for him to trust. Angry at his Soul for not coming to save him from his turmoil. Angry at God for not being there for him when he needs Him. Angry at everyone else for not understanding and for making his life miserable in so many ways. Angry at life for being so senseless. Angry at death for being somehow a loss. Angry at himself for doing it all wrong and never seeming to be capable of ending this whole shitty mess he is in. Angry. Angry. Angry. Surely he can’t be worthy. He can’t be enough. Not with all of this going on inside of him! He is a miserable façade of a Human Being and he should be ashamed of the space he takes up, even of the air that he breathes. 

He sees it! Himself feeling like a victim, helpless and incapable. Himself feeling he is being beaten up into a pulp with every judgemental thought that crosses his mind. Himself desperately needing to be saved. He sees it and realises this is how he has been creating his life force, the energy to stay alive. This has been his fuel. The anger. The depression. The self-doubt. The neediness. The unworthiness. The fight. The fear. All of it has been his way of getting the energy to survive. The attention, The acknowledgement. The pity. And he knows no other way. Though he senses there is another way. There has to be. 

Sebastian lies down, his back flat on the ground. Feeling the exhaustion and realising it is up to him to make the choice to let this game go. And that’s when he realises he has not let it go before because it was serving him. He was perpetuating it for he knew nothing else. And in a strange sense he had come to love this game. It had become so seductive to discover more about it. Even after knowing there was really nothing new to add. But alas, each one has their own “enough” quota and Sebastian’s had apparently been reached. 

It was a relief to realise all of this but there was also a sense of sadness. A kind of mourning for knowing that he could no longer keep one foot on each side, just in case. He truly had to let go of the old game so that peace could be made between all of these conflicting parts. Peace in the acceptance of all of it. Allowing. Finally allowing his Soul to come close. To come in. To hold him in absolute compassion. 

It was not about choosing the right or the wrong way but rather choosing the way he wanted to go - either one had its own energy and outcomes. And he sure as hell was not about to choose staying where he was at. He had had enough! Yet still there could be no rejection of what was. What had been. 

“Hmmm the games we play!” Sebastian thought to himself. 

He closed his eyes and breathed. And stayed. And allowed. And embraced. And cried. And released. And allowed even more. And with each embrace, each letting go, he felt freer and lighter. His heart starting to open like a blooming rose gently unfolding its beauty out into the world.

Ha! Vulnerable he had not wanted to be, despite the fact that ironically he could not have been more vulnerable than he was when immersed in fear. The illusions one believes in! This opening up felt safer than he had ever felt before. Nowhere else to go. Nothing else to seek. It was all here and he was allowing. Allowing himself to stay. To love. 

Text: T. C. Aeelah

Photo: Alexandro David

O outro lado de Si Mesmo

Prostrado no chão, com a cabeça nos joelhos e a cara nas mãos, Sebastião desfaz-se em prantos, sentindo-se completamente perdido e desamparado, mas também farto até ao tutano. 

“Não aguento mais! Estou farto! De tudo! Se ao menos pudesse desaparecer!”

Já lá vão longos tempos. Tempos infinitos, afigura-se-lhe. Desde que Sebastião se deu conta que tinha que encontrar uma saída para esta luta, este sofrimento, esta confusão dentro de si que não tem qualquer resultado, nem fim, nem amnistia, que a sua ansiedade que isto termine tem crescido e crescido, levando-o até à beira do precipício do desespero. Não porque a sua vida não seja o que a maioria das pessoas chamam de boa. De facto mais do que isso: excelente segundo os desígnios comuns. Tem aparentemente tudo o que a maioria das pessoas almejam: uma casa, um emprego, um carro, dinheiro suficiente no banco, amigos, uma relação mais íntima aqui e a li, laços de família… Tudo. 

E ainda assim Sebastião sente que lhe falta algo. Algo que ele entretanto já sabe ser ele próprio! O problema é que não consegue alcançar-se. A este ele que lhe falta. E não pode continuar assim. A fingir que está tudo bem quando dentro dele parece haver um manicómio. Sente-se como um monte de destroços. 

Por isso decidiu ficar em casa alguns dias para entrar em contacto íntimo com tudo isto que sente. E é precisamente por esse motivo que se está a tornar insuportável. Até que ele vê. 

De joelhos no chão. Desesperado. Ele vê! Tem estado zangado com a sua Mente por estar sempre a querer controlar quando ele lhe tem ordenado que se cale. Zangado com o seu corpo por não ser um lugar seguro em que ele possa confiar. Zangado com a sua Alma por não vir salvá-lo desta confusão. Zangado com Deus por não estar ali para ele quando ele precisa. Zangado com todos os outros por não perceberem e por tornarem a sua vida miserável de tantas e variadas formas. Zangado com a vida por ser tão vã. Zangado com a morte por ser uma perda. Zangado consigo mesmo por fazer tudo mal e nunca ser capaz de acabar com esta merda de sofrimento em que se encontra. Zangado. Zangado. Zangado. De certeza que não pode ser merecedor. Ele não é com certeza o suficiente. Não com tudo isto a deambular dentro dele! É uma fachada infame este Ser Humano que ele finge ser e devia ter vergonha do espaço que ocupa. Até mesmo do ar que respira. 

Ele vê! Vê-se a sentir-se uma vítima, sem forças e incapaz. Vê-se a levar tareia até ficar completamente desfeito em fanicos, açoitado por cada pensamento julgador que tece na sua mente. Vê-se a precisar desesperadamente de ser salvo. Vê tudo isto e percebe que afinal tem sido esta a sua forma de criar energia vital - a energia para manter-se aqui. Tem sido este o seu fuel. A raiva. A depressão. A dúvida. A necessidade. O não merecimento. A luta. O medo. Tudo isto tem sido a sua forma de angariar energia para sobrevier. Para obter atenção. Reconhecimento. Pena. E não conhece outra forma. Mas sente que ela existe. Tem que existir. 

Sebastião deita-se para trás, de costas no chão, sentindo-se exausto e e sabendo que lhe cabe a si a escolha de largar este jogo. E então dá-se conta que ainda não o largou porque o jogo tem estado ao seu serviço. Não sabia nada para além desta forma de viver. De estar. E por isso foi perpetuando este círculo vicioso que de uma forma estranha passara a amar. Tornara- se sedutor descobrir mais sobre este caminho. Mesmo depois de saber que não havia nada de novo para acrescentar. Mas enfim, cada um tem a sua quota limite para o “já chega” e pelos vistos a de Sebastião estava a pontos de rebentar pelas costuras. 

Era um alívio poder reconhecer tudo isto mas também havia uma certa tristeza. Uma espécie de luto por saber que não podia continuar a manter um pé de cada lado… pelo sim pelo não. Tinha mesmo que largar o velho jogo totalmente para que a paz se estabelecesse dentro de si - entre todas estas partes em oposição. Paz na aceitação de tudo. Permitindo. Finalmente permitindo à sua Alma que se aproxime. Que entre. Que o segure em compaixão total.

Não se tratava de escolher o caminho certo ou errado mas de escolher o caminho pelo qual ele definia seguir - cada um com a sua energia e resultado. E era certo e sabido que ele não ía escolher ficar onde se encontrava agora. Já chegava! Ainda assim não podia haver rejeição do que fora. Do que era. 

“Hmmm os jogos que jogamos!” Pensou Sebastião de si para consigo mesmo. 

Fechou os olhos e respirou fundo. E ficou. E permitiu. E abraçou, E chorou. E largou. E permitiu ainda mais. E com cada abraço, com cada deixar ir, sentia~se mais livre e mais leve. O seu coração a abrir-se como uma rosa que gentilmente desvenda a sua beleza para o mundo inteiro. 

Ha! Vulnerável. Não quisera sentir-se assim. Nunca. Ainda que ironicamente não poderia ter estado mais vulnerável do que quando imerso no medo. As ilusões em que acreditamos! Esta abertura dava-lhe uma segurança que nunca sentira antes. Nunca. E não havia mais nenhum lugar onde ir. Nada mais a buscar. Estava tudo aqui e ele estava a permitir-se. Ficar. Amar.

Texto: T. C. Aeelah

Foto: Vlad Chetan 

Web Summit, Gratitude and more

The Web Summit. How to define my experience of it? Fabulous is probably an understatement as I believe no one word can fully grasp the richness of these 4 days. And paradoxically, though it is one of the most acclaimed tech and business events in the world, the treasure itself are the people behind all of the tech. 71,033 attendees, 42% of which were women, to be more precise. 160 countries, 17 stages, 26 content tracks ranging from AI all the way to environmental issues, health, communication and more, 2296 startups, 1081 investors, over 2000 members of the media, 342 partners, 1050 speakers…  

The sheer enormity of the numbers speaks for itself, however, each of these numbers is a whole universe - a person. All along through the event, I felt honoured to be amongst so many human beings with big dreams and the courage to implement them in ways I still fail to fully comprehend, as the fast pace of technological advancement is something that is still settling into my cells, after this massive exposure to the real deal.

There was controversy, innovation, open-minded discussion and debate, questioning of the status quo, the purposes and the outcomes, countless perspectives on the hottest themes we are all faced with, all happening simultaneously, be it in conversations taking place in the many lounges and meeting rooms, be it on the stages or in the food court, on the street or amongst the audience.

I had been meaning to attend the Web Summit since 2017/18 and now I finally did. My purpose: to learn. To evolve, To open new horizons within me. After all, though I am not what one would call a tech or finance expert, very far from it, tech and finance serve and influence me every single day, as they do every earthling, so I figured it’s about time I discover more about what is really going on in these fields.

And what a fortunate opportunity to be able to have access to the Women in Tech highly discounted tickets - Web Summit’s pledge to achieve 51% of female attendance, bringing about more equal opportunities in the world of business as part of UN’s Sustainable Development Goal 5 - Gender Equality. 

And this year there was the added bonus of the first Book Summit - all about being an author and publisher in this day and age - which I am. And then the Planet Tech and the Future Societies stages and the Growth Summit and the Crypto and Money Conf and the Health Conf and the Content Makers and the Corporate Innovation Summit and even the Sports and Fashion and Music Conferences and the Night Summit… and more, so much more that I honestly could not get to it all. Especially it being my first time here and me just allowing myself to bathe in the whole thing, with no rush and absolute respect for my rhythm and pace.

I come away with the feeling that something this massive needs more days, eventually half of them with talks and stages and the other half just for networking. With my heart filled with such a level of gratitude and abundant joy, celebration and faith in humanity that again words would be limited to describe - so I will share my feeling instead, with a breath, beyond the words, in the spaces in-between. 

Some time ago I would have felt very challenged to be amidst so many people at once, as the energetic impact it would have had on my body would have been quite uncomfortable, considering I was hyper sensitive to people’s thoughts and feelings as my own extra sensorial senses were becoming more present to me and developing, but none of that happened this time and for me it is one of the greatest gifts possible - to be able to be amongst an immense crowd and remain in my own Presence, feeling the bliss, love and peace in my heart and being able thus to be this that I Am, more completely than ever, no matter where or with whom, with no physical discomfort. This in itself is a richness grander than all of the billions and trillions of dollars that were discussed throughout the conference because now I get to be able to love and admire my fellow humans even more, as we share the same space, at the same time, anywhere around the world. And this, in turn, allows us all to be even more in synch with each other to honour this magnificent planet and all of its creatures and use our intelligence wisely to bring about the economic and social revolution that is underway right now and that speaks of loving more than fearing, of implementing trust more than hatred, of coming together for the common good and for our own greater good, more than persisting in staying divided.

Individually and collectively, what I come away with from this incredible Web Summit is with the knowingness that “this can be done” and that brings tears of joy to my eyes. 

So thank you. To each and every single person present, be it staff, speakers or attendees. And of course a big and long hug of gratitude to the organisers who keep on allowing themselves to defy the meaning of “possible” and came up with this idea of a Web Summit in the first place. 

I could say so much more, but I feel there is no need right now, as silence itself speaks volumes as well and each one can drink from it in their own unique way, free to be and explore whatever your heart invites.  

The rest of the pics are of the special moments in-between…

And of course, one of the most special ones was the extraordinary immersive experience of what is usually called a concert but which gains a different depth and meaning when it is Estas Tonne creating the sound of who we are. So grateful it happened to be exactly on the first day of the Summit (not part of it) and I got to be there to listen and swim in it live. Thank you Estas Tonne, for coming to Lisbon, Portugal right now!!! The message again, in sound and in words, was Faith in Humanity, coming back to the pure innocence of who we truly are, on this soul journey of being human. Remember. Which is nothing but - come back together, within and all around.

Hmmm and the ocean… Iconic symbol of infinite horizons and the immense oneness of all that is.

Ah and… Twinkle! The most loving little kitty I have ever come across and which happened to show up out of nowhere in my garden on Saturday (29th Oct), just a few days before the Summit. After asking around to find out whether he belonged to any of my neighbours - going up and down the street in search of his home - I had to come to terms with the fact that he had chosen my home to be his, which was not hard at all, as he is just adorable! And he sure is wise because he chose an extended family that is in love with him through and through so when I left him with Joana, Rafael, Barbara, Sofia and Ivo he felt at home as much as he felt at my place. So yeah! Now I/we have a kitty named Twinkle because he sparkles bright like the stars in the sky and brings delight to all of our hearts. 

And to make us even more grateful, when Joana who came to spend the weekend at the beach with me, and Î were leaving the Hotel, we were happily surprised by being charged 20€ less than we had initially been told, despite our room being amongst the best. We had to smile at how life keeps on giving us its gifts, small and large and in endlessly creative ways.