The urgency for Enlightenment. I have seen it. I have lived it. And it can be a very enticing trap. A distraction from itself, even.
Once I started realising how much I had to integrate before I could ever feel free from the burden of Human Aspects, on one hand I wanted to do it and do it fast. On the other hand, it seemed quite impossible to ever get it all done. So there was this duality between steadfast determination and overwhelm.
I eventually realised that it served me no purpose to keep on looking at the unfathomable size of the mountain before me. So I held onto determination and set off on my journey like the traveller with no map, treading the path as it presented itself step by step.
Though it was hard anyway, at least I only had to deal with each now. Staying in it was another issue. Some of the stuff I was digging up was gruesome. However, there was no way to integrate it but to stay in it, to feel it, to allow it, to accept it, to walk through it. This, and only this, lead Aspects to dissolve, memories upon memories that told tales of strife, suffering, torture, pain, evil, terror, loss, grief… you name it. I had to grab the bull by the horns this time. No turning back. No looking the other way. No pretending these emotions and experiences were not there. Just staying. Observing from the safe, compassionate berth of Essence, letting myself burn in my own transmuting fire. A fire that destroys only illusion. A regenerating fire that blends Human and Divine, Feminine and Masculine into One new speck of Isness.
Nothing could have prepared me for the extent of emotions these memories brought up. Nothing but Essence could have kept me sane and aware in the midst of this hurricane. I could not have possibly lived through this upheaval if I had gone in through the Mind, focussing on the stories rather than on the feelings themselves. I would have gotten caught up in the curious inspection of details the Mind always thrives on. And I would have gotten lost in it. The stories did not matter at all. It was the purpose that mattered, and only that. The purpose was, of course, Integration. Any kind of judgment would not have allowed it to flow. Not only because of the complexity of the stories, but also because of the sheer amount of Aspects coming in – millions… billions of Aspects. Over a thousand lifetimes worth of Aspects. There is no way the Mind could have grasped but a very small fraction of the process.
In a process of this nature Aspects come in waves. Many at the same time from many different lifetimes, all of the same kind, all at once. It is not possible or necessary to know all of the “whos” and the “whys”. It is the general underlying feeling that matters and only that. This is what dissolves into the infinite pool of Essence. Thus the memories are decharged of their emotional weight and we become lighter and lighter, freer and freer… We don’t forget. We simply become detached from the memories, since the Personality Aspects that were creating attachment dissolve as we also detach from the need to be/think/act in a certain way. The memory becomes a sort of non-personified event, like a part of a film that we no longer own. It is literally a succession of deaths within this same lifetime, when those memories become so powerless that they seem part of another lifetime altogether.
Ah, yes, I did sometimes need help. I needed someone to be there, a pillar of Essence, keeping me connected to my own Essence as I dived into my Darkness. I needed someone to remind me I was still here, now, bringing back my lost “children” but I was not them. I needed someone to hold my hand in complete Compassion, reminding me that I was safe, that none of what I was feeling mattered any longer, that it was time for “farewell and move on”.
We tend to get so involved with the strongest, most stubborn Aspects that they seem to be Who we Are. Once we realise it is not so, observing with no attachment can get tricky because we easily get sucked in by their “logic”. So it helps immensely to have someone right there, reminding us of Essence, helping us let go of judgment, keeping our heart open and welcoming it all back Home. Also some of these Aspects are proficient at playing hide and seek, so when we decide to “go after” them they disappear and show up again only when we are not paying attention. In a consistent process of Integration, however, this is not very effective. When the time comes and we have made the firm decision that enough is enough, it helps to have someone compassionately reflect our wisdom, so that when we dive inside and the Aspects all keep quiet, we stay, keep on compassionately inviting and wait for these parts to feel curious and come out. We stay, quiet, no argumentation, no judgment, no forcing – we allow. And thus the inner magic of Integration happens.
The moments of Peace became longer and more frequent in between the Tsunamis of Aspects. Tsunamis became just large waves and then smaller and smaller waves, allowing me to keep my balance more and more.
One day, unexpectedly, I totally collapsed into myself. The Mind literally fell in Love with Essence and kept quiet. Silence. Complete surrender. The Body allowed itself to be washed over by Essence in such a way that it no longer felt solid. My heart exploded with Joy. I knew not who I was. I did not need to either. Bliss. Pure and simple.
I had had many expectations and preconceived ideas about Elightenment. I knew this was it though it didn’t fit into most of my previously possible categories. It didn’t matter anyway. The Peace in my heart is such that none of my past recipes matter. One thing is certain: Enlightenment is not an event – it is an ongoing experience. The event of collapsing into myself, so to speak, is just a very significant turning point. It’s like a point of no return from where on Enlightenment is no longer an aim but a permanent experience, a permanent knowingness. It takes constant adjusting to different dimensions and vibrations. At first it took me a while to figure out how to stay on Earth even. I could have chosen to dissolve completely at that moment. I chose to stay and experience this in the Body with a Mind. I am thankful for every single “nothingness” in my life. I know I can stay or leave whenever I choose to. I know I Am that I Am… not Who I Am :) And this gets quite comical at times :)
I had only one aim. Now I have only one purpose. It was and is - to Be - which is, at its core, free of purpose. I accept all of its colours and aromas. I know that while in a Human body, living a Human life, Being is multiflavoured. There is always an AND… Yet, the underlying Isness is a constant. It holds me as I Am It, dissolving permanently.
And no, I don’t know everything. I now realise it is absolutely unnecessary. I don’t foresee everything simply because not everything is foreseeable. I can’t walk through walls, levitate or create precious stones out of thin air. Who knows one day I might… or not… it doesn’t really matter or prove anything! I sometimes make silly choices, do, say and think nonsense and occasionally get off balance. The big difference is I have only one thought at a time and total silence very often, my heart never gets confused and feelings of anger or sadness are very easy to deal with because on one hand they are mostly not mine and on the other, when they are, all I need to do is dive into these feelings and walk myself through them, breathing and staying in my Point of Presence. I am instantly aware of incoherences in my actions or words which I can readjust that very moment. The illusions of lack and separation are dead and there is no longer anything remotely similar to the full range of confusing emotions that used to keep me up and down on a roller coaster ride of drama or euforia.
Dealing with others and the whole experience of life on Earth is a constant challenge between seeing beyond the veils of illusion and voluntarily playing with them. This is, in fact, the great difference between before and now. I create Aspects consciously. I make choices consciously. I live consciously. I know and assume my entire responsibility for all of my interactions with “reality” and though I know none of it really matters at all I also know it makes a complete difference to Be or not to Be :)
Ah and yes, I do sometimes feel overwhelmed and frustrated with this new experience of living as a conscious Divine Human in the midst of a “normal” life, and at times would rather live somewhere remote where the mish mash of everyone’s thoughts and feelings could not be felt so intensely, where sense, reason and feeling can remain in constant balanced bliss… but then again… I always end up choosing to go along with this experience right here in everyday life with its everyday colours, living and creating my reality in a parallel dimension that, however, interacts with 3D… And so it is that, like an astronaut on an expedition through unknown universes, I am learning each moment, discovering, expanding… thankfully BEing.